Anger Management 101

In this article, we discuss five practical ways we can control our anger. It is natural to feel anger in a stressful situation such as a fight with a partner or loved one. But yielding to our anger and its consequential actions rarely results in good; instead, it can perpetuate a fight and even worsen it. We will explain the five D’s that we can employ to manage our anger in those heated moments. By utilizing one of these suggestions, the hope is that we’ll be able to reach a peaceful solution rather than give way to a shouting match.

What You Will Learn

Today we will learn ways to deal with you and your loved ones’ anger. Anger is a natural reaction which is elicited to grab other people’s attention. Anger is our body armor against feelings of fear, sadness and hurt.

The 5 Techniques

Decibel Lowering:

Shouting leads to hyperarousal, and it is likely that you will be shouted back at. Lowering your decibel causes your partner to mirror you and it stops the conversation from spinning out of control.

Delay

Our amygdala, the part of my brain that processes of motion, is wired to kick in faster them are logical brain, this is for the purpose of us fleeing or fighting a scene as soon as the brain picks up The danger emotionally, before even thinking, literally. This works in our advantage for emergency situations when we kick into action or flight, but it doesn’t make for an easy connection with our spouse, if you can count to 10 before shooting out an emotional reaction, you give your brain time to catch up and to let you know that you are still safe and that you do not want to see those regrettable things that will only escalate the fight more.

Distract

Quarantine a sensitive issue that is likely to cause a fight and talk about it at a more appropriate time. We get caught up in fights with our spouse when instead we can simply respectfully change the topic. Learn to quarantine the issue and to focus on other things you were doing together. For example, when Christie was eating out with Jack, Jack brought up the topic of finances and Christie found herself extremely upset and emotionally aroused. Knowing that if she would continue the conversation it would inevitably ruin both of their dinners, she simply smiled at Jack and asked him how his day at work was showing that this was not a good time to have a conversation. If Jack is smart, he will go with it, and if he’s not, Christie will remind him, that topic is very triggering for me, I know it’s important, Let’s discuss it tonight at 9 PM or tomorrow morning at 7 AM, but I’m not comfortable discussing it now.

Define feelings and a solution

When angry, the reptilian brain kicks in which does not permit you to arrive at a logical solution. It is wise to clearly express your feelings and prescribe a solution instead of succumbing to anger.

It’s easy to get sucked into a back-and-forth of accusations of anger, but that is not going to solve any problems, it is vitally important to learn to define how you’re feeling at the present that to your spouse as well as a request for how to deal with the situation in the future. “You’re a jerk, you’re so selfish, you don’t give a damn about me”, never solved any fights. Instead try, when you made that comment about my weight, I was very sad and hurt, it made me feel like you don’t think I am beautiful or important, in the future, I would appreciate you not to comment about my weight.

Diffuse

Cut your losses instead of worsening a fight; instead of making angry comments which are likely to further escalate a fight, it is better to diffuse the situation.

There is an art in cutting our losses before they become bigger. One of my favorite Aesop’s fables tells over how the bear was trying to get honey from a tree and therefore shut the tree, a bee came and stung him, protecting its property. The bear became ferociously  angry  and began to violently shake and claw the tree. The startled bees return the attack with 100 bees stings in the Bears flesh. Sometimes we are just better off cutting the losses instead of perpetuating the fight and making it worse, ask yourself, well my comments escalate the fight or will they help calm the situation, I don’t want to get stuck with 100 singers after I already got one painful sting.

You will see that with practice these techniques become second nature and your life will greatly improve.

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